What he said

he is me

.

Every so once in a while, a student will collect things I say in class then gift me that list at the end of the year. It’s one of my favorite gifts.

(Arthur was not a real person.)

1. Embrace the religion of rewrites

2. You shouldn’t JUST drink urine, to be clear

3. Let’s set things on fire! Not really

4. Don’t let your table walk away from you

5. I do remember it but my memory is false

6. Bomb threats! Oh, my favorite

7. If you are going to call in a bomb threat to cancel a test, my advice to you is to call in a few fake ones to throw them off

8. Good job everybody, you signed your name twice

9. Have you guys beaten a lot of poems in your days?

10. Why is this not alive?

11. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with looking up guns on your school computer

12. Oh no! Is one of you kidnapped?

13. I’ll just suffer

14. The world is filled with printers, you can figure it out

15. I believe in feeding you MIND grapes

16. Your sentences hoped out of the car on the highway and hitch-hiked to albuquerque

17. Their lives all suck equally so they have equal opportunity?

18. I blame school for this

19. Before you know it you have a house full of words and no one wants to visit you because it smells like cat piss.

20. I think I might be broken

21. Tell us about feet

22. Baby’s gonna baby and there’s nothing you can do about it

23. I regret to tell you, that in this world, there is racism

24. You don’t exist, we already established that.

25. Do not write a poem for your mothers funeral in triple rhyme

26. I guess you guys have never thought about Christmas before

27. We should all know when William the Conqueror, Conquered

28. Even the bad babies are still babies

29. They typer typed what the typer chose to type

30. It’s the way you kill a baby, legally

31. Just because you are attracted to dead things, L***a, doesn’t mean you have to kill people

32. I don’t think he’s going to grow up to kill people, I just think he’s just going to commit a lot of white-collar crime and get away with it.

33. My goal is truth and justice, you guys!

34. He was a playwright, which isn’t as bad as being an actor, which isn’t as bad as being a prostitute, but they are all in that sucky section of society

35. Mathematically, at least one of you is probably gonna be dead by the time you are 30, but I can safely say that it won’t be because you caught fire and burned to death in the kitchen.

36. I can safely say that none of you will catch fire and burn to death in the kitchen at any point in your life.

37. Fairies love humans, but they love them in the same way that you love a peanut butter sandwich

38. It’s good to know that that yard will soon have no more plants

39. Americans live on the cusp of just enough sleep, so if you take away an hour, we just die. Let that be a lesson to us all

40. Can’t have too many twins in a comedy. That’s for sure

41. Dick jokes are eternal

42. The best part about smoking is the cigar boxes

43. Some people are less electromagnetic than other

44. Maybe this is how they graduate high school. They turn into a tree. A cathedral

45. I think Arthur has developed a cocaine problem

46. I did not know one mouth could home so much white bubbly goop

47. It smells like someone has opened a dispensary in one of the bathrooms

48. Wow, democracy has failed us again

49. Maybe that’s why you’ve been acting out, Being raised by a couple of desiccated old corpses

50. If I wanted you to die, I wouldn’t have said anything

51. And then I rolled into the other lane of traffic

52. But that doesn’t mean YOU will, you might do terribly

53. Everyone is raising their hands in my peripheral vision, and having nothing to say! I feel very gaslit

54. The past is a foreign country, as they say

55. You can fail, but you can’t embrace failure

56. Everything is far away until its here, and then its closer

57. Get your mind greasy again

58. I could stab you quite happily, D*****k

59. MIT is famously contagious

60. Thats what phones are for, unfortunately

61. Dish soap in my gas can

62. You ever bring home a half dead squirrel?

63. The rest of you can repent and do better next time

64. Its my job to corrupt you with wisdom

65. What is the fun in being attracted to something NORMAL

66. You guys are cursed

67. That’s academia baby. You are going to love college

68. Then you’ve never gone grocery shopping with me in my 20s

69. Shut up G**n!